I returned home from a camping trip yesterday, and minutes after I stepped in the door at my palatial estate, Hoare Manor, I, like most of us probably would, decided to check my Facebook. When I did so, I noticed something disturbing. Roughly 50% of what I was reading were people's horribly depressing status updates.
You all know who I'm talking about here. We all have these Facebook friends. I'm not talking about people complaining that the Mets suck or that they're too hungover. Those are normal, albeit problematic, topics of conversation. No, I'm talking about the people who write on Facebook what other people would tell their therapist. That, to me, is simply bizarre. If your life is in shambles, I feel for you, I honestly do. But do you really think fucking Facebook is the place to get it all off of your chest? And some of these complaints are far from standard. Some of these are dark, cryptic, and downright weird.
"I don't even know why I get up every morning anymore. I just can't win."
"With friends like these, who needs enemies. I hate you all!!!"
"I'm over it. I don't need anyone. I hate this shit!"
These people, for lack of a better term, suck. Mark Zuckerberg isn't your goddamn shrink. A wizard of some sort? Perhaps. But a shrink, absolutely not. You really don't think there's a better outlet to vent about the cesspool that has apparently become of your life? How about you visit another website if you're so perpetually troubled. May I suggest dontkillyourself.com. You could always Ask Jeeves what the meaning of life is. He's gotta be kinda lonely and bummed these days himself. At the very least you should poke Dr. Phil. And think about this. If you're a consistent source of virtual depression, you're most likely writing to an audience of one at this point...your super cheery self. Newsflash Dr. Happypants, the majority of your friends have probably hidden you in their news feed by now. It's like that old saying goes, if a tree bitches and complains in the woods every day and no one's around to hear it...
Then there's that three letter combo that pisses me off even more so than the loathsome LOL, FML. Fuck My Life. These are the nitwits who in the winter write "I'm so cold! FML!", and then in the summer write "It's too damn humid! FML!" Sometimes it's like I exclusively accept the friend requests of elderly Jewish women. "Best Buy doesn't have season 3 of Designing Women on DVD! FML!" People, seriously, enough. Life is great. Learn to appreciate every damn day of it. Don't believe me? Head down to the hospital and talk to a terminal patient or two. Go ahead and swap FML stories. I'd say "My T cell count is plummeting! FML!" trumps "It's too cold for flip flops! FML!" any day of the week. If you die tomorrow, I bet you'll be irritating all your Heavenbook friends with posts saying "Ugh, haunting is so hard! Fuck my afterlife!".
Want some situations in which an FML IS warranted?
"My dick just exploded. FML!"
"Shit! Klansmen lit a gigantic wooden cross on my front lawn. FML!"
"I can't remember which color wire diffuses the bomb attached to grandma! FML!"
"My girlfriend accidentally got her tits tied in a knot! FML!"
"Got drunk and woke up naked next to Magic Johnson. FML!"
My life is far from perfect, however my Facebook posts consist of jokes about movies which star monkeys, music I feel people should hear, and then the occasional picture of a puppy dressed like a unicorn (Unipuppy. Patent pending). Now is me taking the time to complain about complainers kind of like the pot calling the kettle annoying? No, sir, it is not. Why? Because I'm funny, so fuck off. You bitch and moan about your boyfriend telling you that your services are no longer needed in an entertaining manner, then I'll eat every last one of my hilarious yet scathing words. Until then, if you truly feel that your life is so awful, have an actual conversation with an actual friend. Buy a self help book. Visit a goddamn monk. Do something. Just don't post constant sob stories on Facebook. No one wants to fuck your life, it sounds awful.
I'd write more, but I'm watching Wheel Of Fortune. I can't get this puzzle! FML!"
Cheers,
Peter Hoare
Twitter.com/PeterHoare
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