Saturday, January 7, 2012

IN DEFENSE OF...TEEN MOM!?

My iPod broke. This particularly sucks, because I commute into the city from Long Island each morning, and there’s a handful of new music (Ryan Adams, Wilco, We Were Promised Jetpacks) that I’d like to listen to. Anyway, as my iPod has iShitTheBed, I was reading a book on this morning’s train ride. And while I read (Encyclopedia Britannica, J-M), I couldn’t help but to overhear the conversation going on in the row directly in front of me. It was two bitchy, old women discussing MTV’s Teen Mom, and blasting the show for its glorification of underage pregnancy.

Yes, I work for MTV. I have for the better part of the last six years. Be that as it may, I am by no means someone who champions all things Music Television, and I use the word “music” as loose as humanly possible. I don’t have it in me to be a smiling, blind soldier for a multi billion dollar conglomerate, regardless of if they pay my bills or not. In past Antenna columns, I’ve called Jersey Shore’s Deena a less sexy Jon Lovitz. I’ve equated her to a mentally challenged velociraptor, which in truth, just isn’t fair to mentally challenged velociraptors. Not speaking facetiously in the least, Paris Hilton’s My New BFF and Brody Jenner’s Bromance may honestly have been two of the biggest piles of shit to have EVER aired on national television. I’d sooner DVR a cable access reality show about an actual pile of shit. Having said that, I, a 30 year old man, feel the need to actually defend the Teen Mom franchise, as well as its sister show, 16 & Pregnant.

My point here isn’t to prove the entertainment value of these shows. That’s up to you to decide for yourselves. However, these shows are NOT the televised glorification of underage sex and teenage pregnancy, quite the contrary. These shows, plain and simple, are birth control, and are intended to be taken as such. If I were in high school and watching one of these shows, which are far more documentary than reality show, I would beg my parents to let me be the first 14 year old with a vasectomy. I’d wear a condom to earth science just in case I tripped and fell into the girl next to me, dick first. Sure, these issues wouldn't have affected a young Peter Hoare per say. Back in high school I couldn't get laid if it were well known that directly after consummating the girl would be granted three wishes by a magical sex genie. But that's a whole other story unto itself. Watching Teen Mom and deciding that it’s cool to have a baby is like watching Titanic and immediately booking a trip on a cruise ship. It’s like watching the third act of Marley & Me and running out to buy a puppy. It’s like watching Saw and…buying a saw? Is that what those movies are about? Malfunctioning table saws? I don’t know. Never watched one. Not into carpentry. But I digress. Back to Teen Mom. This show’s intention is so kids can see how utterly fucking hard it is to raise a child when you’re still, by and large, a child yourself. Because the show is on MTV and titled Teen Mom doesn’t mean that it’s out to make teenage pregnancy cool. The show actually, without directly saying so, promotes abstinence. It's more or less a weekly half hour dedicated to one of high school's worst case scenarios. My point, if you’re going to complain about something, which is a hobby of mine, know the facts. Annoyingly loud old ladies on my train, consider yourself schooled. Now eat your hard candies, stare out the window, pipe the fuck down and let me read my book.

Now sure, is there some hillbilly sitting in a Chatanooga Waffle House saying to his buddy, “Hey, Skeeter, you ever see that Teen Mom on the TV? If you sperm in Betty Lou maybe you could be a millionaire! Uk yuck! (Spits tabacky into his grits)”. Probably. But Betty Lou is also probably Skeeter’s cousin, and Skeeter’s uncle Jeb probably told him that God hates birth control.  I’m not trying to defend the inept and inbred. I’m just pointing out that, while a TON of reality shows are sickening, Toddlers & Tiaras for one, the Teen Mom/16 & Pregnant franchise doesn’t actually have bad intentions.

Cheers,

Peter Hoare

Twitter.com/PeterHoare

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