THROWING UP ON THE KARDASHIANS

This morning, before I left for work, I happened to catch Star Jones on The Today Show. Star, who I still maintain may actually be Al Roker in a wig, was talking about Kim Kardashian’s failed marriage. Jones said that it’s a shame the marriage was as ridiculously brief as it was, because Kim Kardashian is a role model to little girls all over the country.

Say what?

I don’t care if Kim Kardashian had a 37 minute three way lesbian marriage with the Olsen twins.  Her wedding is NOT why she shouldn’t be seen as a role model!

Lest America not forget, the only reason that Kim Kardashian became famous in the first place is because she had a sex tape! Yes, before she was endorsing shitty fragrances for tweens, Kim Kardashian was known as “that chick in the sex tape with Brandy’s brother.” This retard went and gave Ray J a high def blow j, sold the tape for 5 mil, then somehow, to her credit, parlayed that knob job into a multimedia empire. Was she smart enough to make the absolute most out of her opportunity? Undoubtedly. But anyone who endorses this dope as a role model for the children of America either is nuts, or is advising their daughter to play with nuts. An amateur pornographer with a huge ass, a role model does not you make.

And now, since this country has a gross fascination with all things celebrity, Kim and the rest of her awful family have somehow oozed their way into the American pop culture lexicon. They’re everywhere. I’ve never seen one episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. In fact, I’d like to Throw Up On The Kardashians. However, even having never seen one episode, I sadly know the entire clan. Brody Jenner, her brother-in-law (I think?), has all the charisma and talent of a broken dust buster. Her mom, the one who may be responsible for the pimping out of her offspring, looks like the combination of Justin Bieber and Magda from There’s Something About Mary. Her sisters, Kourtney and Khloe, are pretty much the real life version of Timon & Pumbaa. Hell, I’ve even seen her little sisters on TV. One of them, who had to be no older than 15, was on the news (I swear, the news) talking about how she wants to grow up to be just like Kim. Well, Christmas is coming. Better ask Santa for some kneepads and a flip cam, Sally.

The only one in the family with any actual discernable talent is the father-in-law, Bruce Jenner. Ol’ Bruce is a bona fide Olympic gold medalist. He was on a goddamn Wheaties box! He set a world record for the decathlon in Montreal. Bruce, how the fuck did you get wrapped up with these celebritards? I’d give you a mulligan if you were married to Kim. She’s stupid hot. But your wife? Bieber/Magda, remember? So, Bruce, here’s my advice. Save yourself. You’re an Olympic athlete. Swim, Bruce. Swim until you can’t see land! Get the hell out of there! Don’t let your legacy be tarnished by shitty reality shows and the semen of B list R& B singers.

Cheers,

Peter Hoare

Twitter.com/PeterHoare