I know in one of my recent columns I was preaching about the power of positive thinking, but in the context of these columns, I’ve come to realize that, in the words of one of my favorite bands, Cursive, ‘I’m at my best when I’m at my worst’. So, without further adieu…
Remember when you were young and first discovered rap music? It’s probably not a sucker’s bet to say that your parents were like mine and simply threw their hands up in the air, rolled their eyes, and said “I don’t get it”. It wasn’t for them. Chalk it up to a generational gap. Well, for me at least, that generational gap has once again reared its ugly yet logical head.
LMFAO. Really, guys? Really?
Being that I own a television, I’ve unfortunately heard the mind-numbingly bad music of the band LMFAO (Party rockers in the house toniiiight). Whoever licenses out these guys music deserves not only a hefty raise, but also an all expenses paid trip to Blowjob Island, because they’re on just about every commercial I see now a days…and I don’t get it! I really don’t. Put as succinctly and maturely as possible, they stink. Watching an LMFAO video is like watching a circus clown having a seizure at a foam party. Listening to an LMFAO song is like jacking off with a sandpaper glove. Painful. I’m sure I’m not endearing myself to many here. I’m no dummy. Music, much like comedy, is subjective. They’re wildly popular. I’m sure many of you reading this are actually card carrying LMFAO fans. And yes, I’m sure it’s good music to dance to, fine. I don’t dance, and if I did it’d probably resemble that poor, epileptic circus clown. But unless you’re mentally challenged or are, oh, I don’t know, 3 years old, you don’t dance to a commercial. My internal jury has reached its verdict. In Peter Hoare’s court, LMFAO = Guilty…of sucking.
And speaking of music that makes me want to eat bullets, at last month’s American Music Awards, Hot Chelle Rae took home the trophy for Best New Artist. Yet to hear the sonic abortion that is Hot Chelle Rae? Lucky you. Music is subjective. One man’s opinion. Yada yada yada. Yes. I get it. But AMAs, you mean to tell me that absolutely no recording artist emerged in 2011 that was better than the highly esteemed Hot Chelle Rae!? Bullshit! I call bullshit! This is what’s become of pop punk? In my day (Yep, I’m old enough to say that) we had Blink 182, NOFX and The Ataris. Now this? If you’ve illegally downloaded their album you should call the cops on yourself. All their songs sound like they should be the theme to a Teen Nick show. They sound like they should be playing in the background of the pool party where the chubby kid from Modern Family feels his first tit. But, in a nutshell, therein where the problem lies. Sadly, I am not the fat, Latin, 12 year old from Modern Family. I’m the 30 year old bearded guy from Long Beach.
Yes, I’ve recently reconciled to the fact that I’m by no means the target demographic for televised music. I’m simply too old. Record labels and advertisers aren’t trying to get ME to like this stuff. And that’s fine. It’s for folks a decade or so younger than I. And I’m not knockin’ the kids. Trust me, I listened to my fair share of crap when I was their age. At a party I went to in the 6th grade, I was in charge of bringing the new Kris Kross CD. In the 8th grade I was actually arrested for stealing M.C Hammer’s “2 Legit 2 Quit” from a local Kmart. (Regrets? None!) 12 year old Peter Hoare’s C&C Music Factory cassette tape is these kid’s LMFAO mp3, and that’s fine. This morning my Ipod chose to shuffle between The Pixies, De La Soul, and Lou Reed…and I was psyched. Now I’m not some old man who’s not finding new music, quite the contrary. But I have reached a point where I simply just don’t get some stuff. Dubstep? What the fuck is dubstep? I keep hearing it referenced, but I honestly have no idea what it is. If dubstep were arrested for murder and I were asked to pick it out of a lineup, there would be no justice serviced. The murder spree would continue.
Now I’d like to write more, but I just ate a big lunch. Time to go take a Hot Chelle Rae.
Cheers,
Peter Hoare
Twitter.com/PeterHoare
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