EAT A COW

I don’t consciously try and piss people off with these columns. I really don’t. However I know full well that I’m not going to endear myself to many of you with this one. So, to save you some time, let me make one thing clear. You should probably stop reading right now if you're one of the following:

*A Vegetarian
*A Vegan
*Someone with little to no sense of humor
*A cow
*A cat

If you fail to fit into one of the aforementioned categories, by all means, allow yourself to continue reading.

As I sit here, lounging atop the palatial rooftop of Hoare Manor, I’m anxiously awaiting this weekend more so than most. Why?  Because it’s Memorial Day. Summertime is here. You know what that means, don't you? Yes, it does mean that it's time to break out my WNBA jerseys (pluralization intended), but it also means that it's barbeque season. A few weekends ago I found myself at a barbeque, my first of the year, and guess what happened? Someone offered me a hotdog. Of course I responded with a resounding “Fuck to the yes!”. However, just a few moments later, a culinary crime was committed. You know what this asshole had the audacity to hand me instead of a hotdog? A NOTdog! The nerve! I should have unsheathed this insulting meat substitute from it's bun, used it like a mighty sword, and challenged this son of a bitch to a gentleman's duel! You don't offer a man a hotdog and then give him a fucking notdog! That's like when Eddie Murphy got a hooker and found out she was actually a dude (look it up). That's like someone offering me a trip to Bermuda and then handing me a bus ticket to the sandy beaches of Bayonne, New Jersey. Unacceptable!

You know what my favorite ingredient to any meal is? A soul. I like eating food that used to have cousins. And does that make me some kind of monster? No. It makes me an American. I didn't get tattoos of a bald eagle simultaneously playing baseball while eating an apple pie on both my chest and back for nothing. I’m a patriot, damnit! I respect the barbeque traditions set forth by our forefathers! Would George Washington have eaten a notdog? Not likely. Did Christopher Columbus stock either The Nina, The Pinta, or The Santa María with fucking tofurkey? Hell no! I have the utmost respect for the food chain. And besides that, meat tastes awesome! It does! You show me someone who says they don’t like the taste of a hamburger and I’ll show you a liar. We're all going to die in the October 21st rapture anyway, so why deprive ourselves? Life is short, eat a cow's ass. I spend far more time than I should sitting on my computer watching hilarious videos of cats on Youtube, however if someone were to tell me that one of those cats tasted delicious I would gladly devour that cat's face. Now I'm not saying that I'd actually bite it's living face. That actually would make me a monster. But a nice seasoned, marinated, bbqed cat face? Oh yeah. I’m in. I’m in no way being facetious here. I would eat a cat’s face.

And don't get me wrong. I'm not damning turkey burgers, chicken sausage, and the like. Those are still meat related products, thus gaining a measure of my respect. Although some of that stuff can't hold a candle to the original. Anyone who tells you that turkey bacon tastes just as good regular bacon is a bold faced liar and should be treated as such. Turkey bacon isn't terrible, but it sure as shit ain't the real thing. If bacon is The Hangover, then turkey bacon is The Hangover 2. Good, but not completely awesome. Actually, wait, that's not a fair comparison. I'm yet to see the second Hangover film. Let me try again. If bacon is Looks Who's Talking, then turkey bacon is Looks Who's Talking Too. Nailed it!

And although I’m sure it clearly sounds like it, I’m not judging anyone who happens to be a vegetarian or vegan here. I’m truly not. As the kids on the streets say, do you. Eat nothing but a steady diet of baby carrots and grass for all I care. Truth be told, I don’t give a shit what you eat. However I do give many shits about what I eat. So if you’re at a barbeque with me at some point this summer, and you very well may be, don’t insult me by offering me anything less than real meat. Please. Be a pal.

Cheers,

Peter Hoare

Twitter.com/PeterHoare