CELEBRITY REHAB: CLASS OF 2015

I love VH1’s Celebrity Rehab. This show IS the quintessential car crash on the side of the road that you can’t help but to slow down and watch. Each season my boy Dr. Drew rounds up a new group celebritards whose level of notoriety ranges from household name to “who the fuck is that crackhead?” This season’s cast is a star-studded lineup. Evidently Dwight “Doc” Gooden hasn’t found a way to kick his coke habit since the 86 world series. If someone were to tell me that Bai Ling had no brain and was actually a large, battery-powered, Japanese action figure, I’d be hard pressed not to believe it. I‘ve seen higher levels of intelligence in packages of Smarties. Then there’s the ol’ Long Island one two punch of Amy Fisher and Michael Lohan. The former is best known for shooting someone in the face and introducing the word Buttufuoco into the American pop culture lexicon, the latter’s demon sperm was responsible for putting the loaded in Herby: Fully Loaded.

As stellar a cast as the class of 2011 is, allow me to predict who I think may be checking into the Pasadena Recovery Center in, oh, I don’t know, let’s say four years. So without further adieu, here’s who I think may round out the 2015 cast.

SNOOKI

Ah, Snooki. With both the posture and talent of a McNugget, this little dope is a surefire bet to meet Dr. Drew sooner rather than later. Yes, she can buy and sell me 10,000 times over…for now.  But if you’re telling me that in 4 years people are still going to be paying this pear-shaped little troll to talk about gorilla’s and juiceheads you’re out of your mind. Personally I wish a real gorilla would fist pump her face. The fame will wane, I know it. And when it does, Snooki doesn’t strike me as someone who’s going to fade gracefully back into whatever Staten Island dumpster she used to get roofied and pass out in. No, she’s gonna hit the bottle….HARD. And then come the heavy drugs. There’s gonna be a situation alright, a midget who smokes crack situation. And then there’s the inevitable fact that she’s also going to miss the spotlight. Poof, no more fans. This one’s a no brainer. Cab to rehab’s here!

JUSTIN BIEBER

Now I know what you’re thinking? No! Surely you jest! Not my little Bieber! Wrong. This little dickwad is gonna fall from grace, mark my words. Why, you ask? I think it stems from the fact that Biebs is less Justin Timberlake and more Jonathan Taylor Thomas. What I mean is that age is not going to be a friend to young Mr. Bieber. Remember Frankie Munez from Malcolm In the Middle? Bet you haven’t seen him much lately. Want to know why? It’s because with every year he tacks onto his life he looks more and more like a little latino Crypt Keeper. He’d be lucky to land a role playing himself in the porn version of his sitcom, Malcum In The Middle. Bieber's already not aging well. He’s already inexplicably starting to look like a lesbian. He’s like itsy bitsy Ellen Denegeres. Bieber peaked. Next up: The slippery slope into drug abuse and alcoholism. If they haven’t already, America is slowly but surely gonna realize that symptoms of Bieber Fever include blood in your stool and painful urination. But he had a movie! Yeah, guess what? So did Vanilla Ice, dummy. Last time I saw him he was doing verses of The Ninja Turtle Rap for rolls of nickels behind a White Castle. Bieber, meet Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew, meet Bieber.

TIA & TAMERA


Remember these broads? The twins from that old show Sister, Sister? Can’t you just see them on Celebrity Rehab? I mean, I have literally nothing to go by here. This is just a completely blind assumption. For all I know they can be working for Obama right now. A lot of 90’s child stars turned out great. Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years writes books about math. Blossom went on to become an actual scientist for a little while. But since I have no facts to prove otherwise, and because I’m too lazy to do so much as a simple Google search, I’m going to assume that Tia & Tamera are holed up in grimy, little South Jersey motel making inscestual, low budget porn to support their crippling oxycontin habit. Just you watch. Tia & Tamera, class of 2015. I have a good  feeling about this one.

Of course there are tons of other choices I could go with. Charlie Sheen. Steve-O. Britney Spear’s sister. Lindsay Lohan’s sister. Arnold Shwarzenegger’s maid. Amy Winehouse’s turtle. All great picks. We just need to sit back, relax, invent The Celebrity Rehab drinking game, and then watch and enjoy.

Cheers,

Peter Hoare

Twitter.com/PeterHoare